Attending a cartoonist luncheon at the White House- I was a professional food hider sitting next to President Bush.

When I was Anorexic I felt the fear every second of every day. Mistakenly believing that the feeling of fear was a reminder of what I had to keep doing to have power over my life. REAL power in your and over your life - does not feel fearful.❤️

Pain as Fuel

" Confront the Dark parts of Yourself. Use the Pain as Fuel- as a Reminder of  Your Strength."-- August Wilson, writer

Starving Anorexic: Anorexia is not about the weight of your body - it...

Starving Anorexic: Anorexia is not about the weight of your body - it...: Anorexia is not about the weight of your body - it is about the weight of your world.

Me. A moment in time with my eating disorder-barely hanging on. For those suffering with ANY form of disordered eating there is hope for another tomorrow. That is what I speak about in my book, ''Surviving Anie''. It IS NOT about the cookie-it never was.

Anorexia is not about the weight of your body - it is about the weight of your world.

The Imperfect Perfection of Recovery

Someone said to me," Tell me what you did to get better- how did you get from there to here." I simply chose to live. Recovery is not a magic button it does not make all the pain go away. You must always be aware of what is in the shadows - and be on guard for it. There are no perfect steps to take. I chose to keep living and going forward in an imperfect life. That is as close to perfection as I will ever get.

" I had laid my head in Anorexia's lap- and while she killed me she stroked my hair."--" Surviving Anie"

My story of Anorexia and my survival tips are detailed in my book," Surviving Anie- My 18 Year Battle With Anorexia". For your copy please email me at Lindaboileau@me.com

Eating with Santa

Anorexia at Christmas. You are the gift to yourself. Do not let your eating disorder return it.

My Favorite Spoon

It was what they call in the South," An ice tea spoon". It had a long stem and a pefect little scoop that made me feel as if I was eating the " just so" bite. Just so right in tiny calories , Just so powerful in controlling that out of control life.

Cold

I was always cold from the inside out. The freeze that came from my body devouring itself.
But the real cold was the still, deep kind that always said," More loss coming- you can't starve it away."
I still feel that cold.

The Mirror

I could finally look at my reflection in the mirror and not measure and re- measure the space between my thighs.
But the mirror on the inside- the one whose reflection always measured my worthiness was cracked. And so, like the jagged, little images you see of yourself when the mirror breaks- I could never get all the pieces to add up to self love. I could never stop measuring and re- measuring my self worth.

Born an Alien

This is indeed only my opinion but as for myself I believe I was born with that Anorexic Alien gene. It just lay dormant until I was 18 just waiting to explode. I was always on the outside looking in- All My Life. Even now- I was always the Leper and still am in ways. Never accepted. So, 

I turned on myself and found acceptance in controlling every bite of food that went into or did not go into my mouth. Anie accepted me even as she destroyed me.

A little Breeze

Sometimes that melancholy that is always there with Anorexia will come floating back in- like a little breeze. You think it is gone yet it has never left completely. That sadness that says, " You can't stop the losses."
You can be doing Anything- sweeping the floor, brushing your teeth- and that little breeze will float through. All that is ever unchangeable is more change.

Torment

Eating with Anie was torment. But trying to believe that I was worthy of eating was Torment Multiplied.

Jumping the Bar

Stop telling yourself that you have to jump the bar that someone besides yourself has raised.

DEEP,DARK,COMPLICATED

Anie's ways are so deep and dark and complicated. I would think I knew the answer as to why I did something with her and then another meaning would surface. Always trying to get to ''SAFE''.

The Price

I remember the morning the UK clinic called and said at 30 I had the bones of a seventy year old woman. I sobbed and sobbed and kept saying, ''I don't understand...'' I did understand the physical reason but what I couldn't understand that through the many years of suffering with Anie ( and she is ALL about suffering) that on top of everything this bone thing had to happen. Looking back on it I know that the bone thing was one of the last straws that drove me to get help. But while I had it I just kept thinking, ''Haven't I paid the price to be free from pain for just a while--haven't I paid the price three times more than other people?'' But that is the thing with Anie--she always wants MORE.

Light

"I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness- the astonishing light of your own being." -- Hafiz

Never Forget

"Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you regarded yourself as a friend."-- Elizabeth Gilbert