"It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes."
~Sally Field

The Questions

OK, Here are the questions you get when you tell people you were Anorexic:
1)  ''Didn't You Get Hungry???????''
2)  ''Did You Get Scared That You Would Die???????!!!!!!!''
3)  ''I Just Can't Understand That! Can You Make Me Understand Why You Wanted To Starve Yourself????"

Answers:
1) ''Yes.''
2) ''Yes.''
3) ''End of Conversation.''

Don't Tell Me

Don't tell me what I weigh. I don't want a number in my head. I have clothes that I like and they fit--so don't give me a number. There was this nurse at in my bone doctor's clinic that was needing to make people feel as bad as she did so she told me one day. She said, ''Well, If I weighed blahblah I wouldn't care if someone told me.'' It was kind of like being pushed down an elevator shaft. It is HARD to deal with a number that you left a LOOOOOOONG time back. A number that meant No control.That I would have held Death's hand to stay away from. But I did deal with it. I didn't lunge screaming from the building to go run laps. I just took my head and said,''Thank you, Patti. WHAT DO YOU WEIGH?'' A lot more than several billion recovering Anorexics. Was that a tiny spark of control?

Beautiful You Are

Ya know, I just wanna say: If those mean bastards laugh at you YOU ARE STILL BEAUTIFUL!!! If he tells you to eat shit and die YOU ARE STILL BEAUTIFUL!!! If you don't get the raise you wanted YOU ARE STILL BEAUTIFUL!!! If the scale doesn't show the magic numbers YOU ARE STILL BEAUTIFUL!!! And if you don't feel beautiful YOU ARE STILL BEAUTIFUL.

I Fell Off of The Stage

When we rehearsed for high school graduation somebody said,''Don't fall off of the stage!'' I hated school. I hated every one of those fuckers who had ostracized me, laughed, rolled their eyes. So I decided I wouldn't go through the ceremony. I went to the office and told them I just wanted my Diploma to be sent to me. So here comes the principal, Mr Hoagland. Took me out of my Math class and says , ''You need to go through the ceremony.'' So, the part of me that longed to be one of the gang--buckled. One last time I would attempt the impossible---to be like everybody else. Are you rolling your eyes, Marty Monks? That night after graduation, I ate a chili dog--that was the Last Supper. From that second on nothing crossed my lips that wasn't earned. That wasn't tortured over. I fell off of
 the stage.

Like Liquid Velvet Summer of 69

Summer of '69

Ah, The Monkees. I played ''Daydream Believer'' over and over. I watched ''The Mod Squad''.  Summer of '69. The last full year that My Uncle Hubie was alive. I ate potato chips with real Coke poured over them. I kissed my dog, Flame. I was not ALONE in the house when I went to sleep--it was the sleep of safety. God, the sweetness was hypnotic. The next year, Life would grab me by the ankles, pull me from that bed, wrangle me up by the hair of the head and say,''Welcome to Hell--try and stop it.'' But in the summer of '69 I didn't know what a calorie was.