Torment

Eating with Anie was torment. But trying to believe that I was worthy of eating was Torment Multiplied.

Jumping the Bar

Stop telling yourself that you have to jump the bar that someone besides yourself has raised.

DEEP,DARK,COMPLICATED

Anie's ways are so deep and dark and complicated. I would think I knew the answer as to why I did something with her and then another meaning would surface. Always trying to get to ''SAFE''.

The Price

I remember the morning the UK clinic called and said at 30 I had the bones of a seventy year old woman. I sobbed and sobbed and kept saying, ''I don't understand...'' I did understand the physical reason but what I couldn't understand that through the many years of suffering with Anie ( and she is ALL about suffering) that on top of everything this bone thing had to happen. Looking back on it I know that the bone thing was one of the last straws that drove me to get help. But while I had it I just kept thinking, ''Haven't I paid the price to be free from pain for just a while--haven't I paid the price three times more than other people?'' But that is the thing with Anie--she always wants MORE.

Light

"I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness- the astonishing light of your own being." -- Hafiz

Never Forget

"Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you regarded yourself as a friend."-- Elizabeth Gilbert

DAMN

I have endured several months of losing my beloved animals. The panic of loss that I fought so with Anorexia comes rushing back. Seventy eight pounds of starvation could not stop it then and nothing else can stop it now.So, I bow down to it. I give, I surrender. My Beloveds leave my life and I can only wait to be reunited with them one day. Eighteen years of Anorexia could not make it go away. Loss will find us all- always. So, I simply cannot run from it . I can only suffer through. DAMN.