My Favorite Spoon

It was what they call in the South," An ice tea spoon". It had a long stem and a pefect little scoop that made me feel as if I was eating the " just so" bite. Just so right in tiny calories , Just so powerful in controlling that out of control life.

Cold

I was always cold from the inside out. The freeze that came from my body devouring itself.
But the real cold was the still, deep kind that always said," More loss coming- you can't starve it away."
I still feel that cold.

The Mirror

I could finally look at my reflection in the mirror and not measure and re- measure the space between my thighs.
But the mirror on the inside- the one whose reflection always measured my worthiness was cracked. And so, like the jagged, little images you see of yourself when the mirror breaks- I could never get all the pieces to add up to self love. I could never stop measuring and re- measuring my self worth.

Born an Alien

This is indeed only my opinion but as for myself I believe I was born with that Anorexic Alien gene. It just lay dormant until I was 18 just waiting to explode. I was always on the outside looking in- All My Life. Even now- I was always the Leper and still am in ways. Never accepted. So, 

I turned on myself and found acceptance in controlling every bite of food that went into or did not go into my mouth. Anie accepted me even as she destroyed me.

A little Breeze

Sometimes that melancholy that is always there with Anorexia will come floating back in- like a little breeze. You think it is gone yet it has never left completely. That sadness that says, " You can't stop the losses."
You can be doing Anything- sweeping the floor, brushing your teeth- and that little breeze will float through. All that is ever unchangeable is more change.