Inside A Mystery

Borrowing from Winston Churchill's great quote-- self love to me was a riddle, inside a mystery, wrapped in an enigma. Only catching brief glimpses of it when I starved.

Unglued

Into the Woods

The Phantom Menace

Planet Anie: RULE 70--Know My Burn Times

I knew all of my burn times. How long it took to burn off the calories in every food. I paid the price for every bite. To free me from the guilt of eating I had to erase the fact that I ate. Run, walk, jog in place, ride my bike. One fat free slice of cheese was an hour of jogging. A can of pineapple chunks with no syrup was two hours of walking. Anie charged for everything.

Planet Anie: Rule ONE

Control my starving. If I broke and somehow felt the enemy ( lack of control) approaching--I would control my starving. I would starve deeper, longer--no exceptions. This Rule was number one and Rule number one was god.

She Winked

Anie slapped the world for me. Oh, yeah with her other hand she was choking the life out of me. But she made me high with the knowledge that I had incredible self control. She gave me a few moments of a haunted satisfaction.

 While she crucified my physical health she would give me her sly wink that said, "You can stay at 78 pounds and they can't." Oh, Anie. Give me that wink.

Piece of Cake

The Goodbye Collection

Sadness was always with me. Even if I had a good day calorie wise--even if I exercised right on schedule. The sadness never left--it was a longing for everything that had gone from my life--and everything that I could not keep from leaving in the future. It was a collection of goodbyes--too much for the Anie soul to handle. It hung in the air around me. Like heavy humidity on an August day.

The Gate of Darkness

Night was about Anie. Even more than day. I exercised endlessly at night, I made calorie lists at night, I had my safe food reward of a 20 calorie popsicle at night. The darkness was kind of like a mother--it held my sadness at bay. All the chaos of pain and self loathing seemed to be stopped at the gate of darkness. Waiting and frothing at the mouth to attack me at daybreak.

Little

Sometimes I just wanted to be Little. In Every Way--In Every way.

Purgatory

The day my Sprite Dog died I walked fifteen miles. I jogged in place for 4 hours. I didn't eat. I had failed in keeping my 15 year old dog alive and the price must be paid.The only way to handle the out of control pain and guilt was with Anie. She never died on me. Her purgatory of exhaustion was far better than being lost in helplessness.I would exercise and starve until I saw black spots before my eyes.

The Land of In Between

I had a big envelope with pictures of food in it. Mashed potatoes, chocolate cake, ice cream. I would look at them at night. My life was separated from others. Like looking at those pictures--fake food not real food. Like looking through a gauzy curtain. I was not in the Land of the Dead yet I was not in the Land of the Living. I was forever IN BETWEEN.

Anie's Tattoo Shop

Anie Is Always Outed

Size Check

Anie's Autograph Book

Scale And Chain

You Can Feel The Ground Tremble

When I was a child--my Uncle Hubie owned a huge Brahma Bull. Buck. If you were out in the field you could literally feel the ground shake when Buck was running fast. Long before he appeared you knew he was on his way. That was how Anie's guilt trips were. If I ate an extra pickle, If I missed a minute of exercise--the life-sucking Guilt was on its way. I could feel the ground tremble.

Tuition

Line In The Sand

At the corners of my mouth vertical cracks formed. When I would talk or smile or eat my safe food--they would open up and bleed. They hurt like a sonofabitch. Finally, they even hurt when my mouth was closed. ANGULAR CHEILITIS. Caused by vitamin deficiencies. I fought so desperately for control now my body was controlling me. Not that it made me stop--but it sapped every last half ounce of energy that I needed to stay on schedule. My battle-worn 78 pound body was preparing to strike back. Trained by Anie to keep quiet and take it--my body had drawn a line in the sand. You will rue the day your body says, ''NO.'' She would become the most formidable enemy of my life.

Feel It, Babe

There are always those who say,''I would never get Anorexia--I love to eat!'' Damn. That's not the reason. You can't FEEL like we do---THAT'S THE REASON.

Anie--The Longest War

If you survive The Anie War YOU ARE FOREVER CHANGED. My physical battle scars have greatly improved--my emotional ones can lie dormant for months, years even and then come crashing back--like a lightning strike. I don't have the urge to diet but I have the intense longing for Steadiness--that the loss won't come. The way the light plays on the grass can remind me of my childhood when I was waiting for someone to come pick me up or when I was an adult--waiting to be accepted. Those emotions are colored with Anie--her mark is undeniable. Longing, yearning for a comfort that won't leave me or reject me. Anie has left her tattoo on my heart. Though she does not have the power to physically stop my heart any longer--she still makes it ache.

Is That Where My Hair Used To Be?

In my long hair --tiny short hairs began to appear. As always--I worried--I was frantic. I told myself they would grow out. But they never grew out because they had broken off--my hair was starting to fall out. The spot where I pinned it up in the back was a completely pink strip--bare. I tried new hair barrettes--putting it up in a different way--nothing helped. So I cut it in hopes that it would appease Anie somehow. But , as you know, she is NEVER easily pleased. She wanted more and she got it.

The School Of Anie

Anie taught me so much. She was EVERYTHING that I could not find in others. My Mother, my Lover, my Best Friend. My Confidante. She could comfort me while holding a knife to my wrist. She could reassure me when my heart hesitated before the next beat. She was there for me even while she wasted me. She taught me that I was so powerful that I could refuse food when others could not. She taught me how to suffer in silence and keep going. She taught me how to flirt with Death.Yet the surest lesson she ever taught me--way down under her dark and twisted ways--was that I mattered the most--not someone else. She introduced me through such deep suffering to the best DAMN person I know--the one in the mirror.

Three Bites of Guilt

After my doctor told me that I was severely anemic I actually went out to eat with my Aunt. I hadn't been out to eat in 13 years. Three bites. That's all I could manage before Anie said, ''Stop.'' I could not take another bite. I convinced my Aunt to drive home without me so I could burn those three bites off. They were nothing but three bites of guilt.

Screaming Silence

So much of Anorexia is silent. I was so Alone. No talking. Only Anie in my head. In the dead of night--I would exercise. The scale makes no sound. What was happening inside my body--bones leeching bones--no noise. It is a disease of screaming silence.

Fear 24/7

After two days in the hospital--the need to get out and start burning it off came bolting back. My doctor said I needed fluids so every time the nurses aide came around I got something to drink. Had to get out of there. She showed me a picture of her infant niece lying in her little casket. I guess she thought it would shock me out of Anie. If ending up in the hospital and getting a glow-in-the-dark enema didn't do it then nothing else could either. I had to hit the bottom of the barrel and fall through the bottom of the barrel--and I wasn't there yet--I was scraping it for sure--but no stopping yet. Life without Anie was something I Feared--there wasn't anything I didn't Fear.

French Fry

In the hospital they brought me steak and french fries. I hadn't had a french fry in 13 years. I had just come up from emergency and this tray arrives. Not the best choice for a bowel obstruction. I was foggy with fever so I picked up the fry and held it. Just wanted to hold it for a second. I tasted it. Just a fourth of  it--yet it was not the glorious, mind-bending taste that I had imagined. Too much salt, too much fear, too much disappointment--all in that tiny little piece of potato. I pushed it away.

The ER Lobby

By the time I got to the ER lobby--I was so sick I wasn't thinking about exercising. DO YOU KNOW HOW SICK THAT HAS TO BE? For an Anie-ette to not think of the ways to keep weight at bay--it means Death is breathing down your neck, baby.
The admitting clerk grabbed my arm, shook it and said,''Look at that! You're Anorexic!'' I looked away and kept silent.
So I was sitting on one of those hospital benches waiting and I just slid over. The upholstery was cool and I thought,''If I keep feeling this bad--I can't live.'' Anie stroked my head and told me,''I am here with you. Unlike all the others--I won't leave.'' If I had to die--she would go with me.

You're Alone

You're ALONE, aren't you. Even if you're in the middle of a zillion people--If you're with Anie--you are alone. It's like even your loneliness is lonely. No one can begin to know the depth of it--if they haven't lived it. It was as if I could hear myself echoing off a faraway canyon. I was alone inside my loneliness.

Tailbone

My Tailbone poked through my skin. I first noticed while I was doing sit-ups. The pain was slowing me down.That would never do--I had a meticulous schedule to keep. I taped a huge wad of gauze pads to my butt and kept going. Still, my Tailbone would not shut up. It was like a big blister who needed anger management. Hot and throbbing-- I could not sit in any position that didn't hurt. It gave me a continuous low grade fever. A slow- motion, disconnected feeling of being separated from life--oh well--nothing new about that. It seeped. Kind of like my body was crying all the time. Crying from a deep place. I felt sad, mournful. Like when you hear a bird calling at night.

Wussies Don't Apply

Listen up, Anie-ettes. YOU ARE SO FUCKING TOUGH. Who else can run 10 miles in the pouring rain on one corn flake. You can. Who else can run 10 miles in the pouring rain on no cornflakes. You can. It takes guts to know you have to find another way. Nobody has more GUTS than You or You wouldn't be Anorexic to begin with. Anorexia is not for sissies. It is the original disease of Steele Resolve.Take your life back, from the world who drove you to this. WE ARE THE REAL TRUE GRIT SISTERS.

Frozen Diet Coke Nirvana

Frozen Diet Coke was my Nirvana. It crunched like real food but had no calories. It was my miracle. I could eat it and not have to immediately burn it off. While my body leeched nutrients from its own organs -- I had found a temporary solace.

Anorexic's Autopsy

HEART is grossly enlarged. Feels too much. Too much longing to please. Too much continuous loss.

BRAIN  is devoid of peace. Rampant fear of lack of control has hemorrhaged the brain.

LUNGS  are collapsed without the breath of self worth.

WOUNDS  to the spirit are in and of themselves fatal.

DEATH OCCURRED  :  Long before physical life left the body.

Bleeding Out

Walking without pain was in the past. When my toes cracked open ( on either side of the nail ) and my heels cracked open ( all the way around ) trying to find a place where I could bear weight on my feet was impossible. Too far forward and my toes screamed--too far back and those deep, gnarly heel cracks would explode. I kept walking, running--so my feet bled. Nothing compared to the hemorrhage my self worth took--I was dying from blood loss of the spirit . I was bleeding out.

On Ice

Cold. I was cold from the inside out. No sweaters, coats, thermal underwear could make a dent in it. I wore gloves inside of gloves, three pairs of socks--nothing stopped it. I came in from a frigid walk one night and could not remember where the rooms of the house were. Beyond anemia and vitamin deficiencies I was cold in my soul. Anie puts you on ice.

Anorexia is not a Fashion

Isabelle Caro: Her brave life and anorexia death.
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2011/02/07/isabelle-caro-anorexic-model-dies-her-mother-commits-suicide-how-should-the-fashion-industry-respond.html

Do Not Be Shocked At The Photo--Be Shocked At The Disease

Is That Your Arm?

I woke up and said,''Whose arm is that?!!!!"" It was mine. Completely dead. Like a blob of jelly that just flopped at my side. I fell asleep lying on my arm.With no padding and barely any muscle the nerves were pinched and traumatized. All feeling was gone. It took 3 hours of kneading, rubbing, shaking to even begin to get a tiny bit of feeling back. For those hours -- my arm did not belong to me. Like my Life.

I Had To Look

I had to look at the scary stuff when I had Anie. I HATED myself for looking. It BOTHERED ME--I had to keep exercising--I had to keep starving--why did I want to get the scary stories and stats in my head. But I was drawn to them. I would stare at them. And they said:
THE DEATH RATE ASSOCIATED WITH ANOREXIA IS 12 TIMES HIGHER THAN THE DEATH RATE OF ALL CAUSES OF DEATH FOR YOUNG WOMEN.
I had to Look.

''Who Loves Ya, Baby?''

There was this tv series called, ''Kojak''. That character always said, ''Who loves ya, baby?'' Anie made me so desperately want people to love me. The people I worked with, my Aunt. I wanted friends that would love me--although I isolated myself so--I had no friends. That is the paradox of Anie--you can be with no one yet you long for companionship. Yet in the mix -- I never sought love from the only one who could free me -- the one whose love would have come sweeping in and rescued me -- ME.

The Cruelest Masters

Myself. Yourself. They are the cruelest masters.

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Linda Boileau shared Love Our Bodies, Love Ourselves's photo.

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''Love Your Body-Love Yourself''

Counting Raisins

On the days that I was bad ( VERY FEW)  unable to keep going without a tiny bit more food--I would sometimes have A raisin or TWO. It's intense sweetness was like a reward--but then the guilt and loathing would swell in around me like a wet blanket. I would pay for those raisins--exercising until I staggered. I longed to be able to deserve to live without counting raisins.

YOU Are Enough

So True

"It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes."
~Sally Field

The Questions

OK, Here are the questions you get when you tell people you were Anorexic:
1)  ''Didn't You Get Hungry???????''
2)  ''Did You Get Scared That You Would Die???????!!!!!!!''
3)  ''I Just Can't Understand That! Can You Make Me Understand Why You Wanted To Starve Yourself????"

Answers:
1) ''Yes.''
2) ''Yes.''
3) ''End of Conversation.''

Don't Tell Me

Don't tell me what I weigh. I don't want a number in my head. I have clothes that I like and they fit--so don't give me a number. There was this nurse at in my bone doctor's clinic that was needing to make people feel as bad as she did so she told me one day. She said, ''Well, If I weighed blahblah I wouldn't care if someone told me.'' It was kind of like being pushed down an elevator shaft. It is HARD to deal with a number that you left a LOOOOOOONG time back. A number that meant No control.That I would have held Death's hand to stay away from. But I did deal with it. I didn't lunge screaming from the building to go run laps. I just took my head and said,''Thank you, Patti. WHAT DO YOU WEIGH?'' A lot more than several billion recovering Anorexics. Was that a tiny spark of control?

Beautiful You Are

Ya know, I just wanna say: If those mean bastards laugh at you YOU ARE STILL BEAUTIFUL!!! If he tells you to eat shit and die YOU ARE STILL BEAUTIFUL!!! If you don't get the raise you wanted YOU ARE STILL BEAUTIFUL!!! If the scale doesn't show the magic numbers YOU ARE STILL BEAUTIFUL!!! And if you don't feel beautiful YOU ARE STILL BEAUTIFUL.

I Fell Off of The Stage

When we rehearsed for high school graduation somebody said,''Don't fall off of the stage!'' I hated school. I hated every one of those fuckers who had ostracized me, laughed, rolled their eyes. So I decided I wouldn't go through the ceremony. I went to the office and told them I just wanted my Diploma to be sent to me. So here comes the principal, Mr Hoagland. Took me out of my Math class and says , ''You need to go through the ceremony.'' So, the part of me that longed to be one of the gang--buckled. One last time I would attempt the impossible---to be like everybody else. Are you rolling your eyes, Marty Monks? That night after graduation, I ate a chili dog--that was the Last Supper. From that second on nothing crossed my lips that wasn't earned. That wasn't tortured over. I fell off of
 the stage.

Like Liquid Velvet Summer of 69

Summer of '69

Ah, The Monkees. I played ''Daydream Believer'' over and over. I watched ''The Mod Squad''.  Summer of '69. The last full year that My Uncle Hubie was alive. I ate potato chips with real Coke poured over them. I kissed my dog, Flame. I was not ALONE in the house when I went to sleep--it was the sleep of safety. God, the sweetness was hypnotic. The next year, Life would grab me by the ankles, pull me from that bed, wrangle me up by the hair of the head and say,''Welcome to Hell--try and stop it.'' But in the summer of '69 I didn't know what a calorie was.