Counting Raisins

On the days that I was bad ( VERY FEW)  unable to keep going without a tiny bit more food--I would sometimes have A raisin or TWO. It's intense sweetness was like a reward--but then the guilt and loathing would swell in around me like a wet blanket. I would pay for those raisins--exercising until I staggered. I longed to be able to deserve to live without counting raisins.