DEEP,DARK,COMPLICATED

Anie's ways are so deep and dark and complicated. I would think I knew the answer as to why I did something with her and then another meaning would surface. Always trying to get to ''SAFE''.

The Price

I remember the morning the UK clinic called and said at 30 I had the bones of a seventy year old woman. I sobbed and sobbed and kept saying, ''I don't understand...'' I did understand the physical reason but what I couldn't understand that through the many years of suffering with Anie ( and she is ALL about suffering) that on top of everything this bone thing had to happen. Looking back on it I know that the bone thing was one of the last straws that drove me to get help. But while I had it I just kept thinking, ''Haven't I paid the price to be free from pain for just a while--haven't I paid the price three times more than other people?'' But that is the thing with Anie--she always wants MORE.

Light

"I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness- the astonishing light of your own being." -- Hafiz

Never Forget

"Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you regarded yourself as a friend."-- Elizabeth Gilbert

DAMN

I have endured several months of losing my beloved animals. The panic of loss that I fought so with Anorexia comes rushing back. Seventy eight pounds of starvation could not stop it then and nothing else can stop it now.So, I bow down to it. I give, I surrender. My Beloveds leave my life and I can only wait to be reunited with them one day. Eighteen years of Anorexia could not make it go away. Loss will find us all- always. So, I simply cannot run from it . I can only suffer through. DAMN.

Are You There?

The Anie Button

Is Anorexia caused by genetics or a life trigger?  For me it was always both. Life events pushed my Anie button without a doubt. But was I born with a makeup that waited for that button to be pushed? Absolutely.

My Un-oval Body at the Oval Office

My VERY Un - oval body in front of the oval office. At the cartoonist's luncheon with the president--I used my skills as a professional food hider. Yes, Mr President, don't look under that lettuce leaf.

Safe Food

Foods that I felt compelled to buy every week were : bran cereal, pickles, fat free chocolate pudding. My safe foods- as safe as life with Anie could ever feel. What are your safe foods?

That Number In My Head

"How long have you been at 80 pounds?" I was at the doctor's office for an ear infection and his words pushed the button. Once I heard the number I HAD to go lower. Hearing my weight was more stressful than even seeing it on the scale. That's why even now I tell the doctor's office nurse to not tell me my weight. A number in my mind was like giving an alcoholic a drink-- I could not stop If 80 was where I was - 78 must be better.

Anie Can Count

I could add up calories in my head faster than anyone with a calculator. Sixteen special k flakes, 2 spoonfuls of fat free chocolate pudding- zip, zip. Anie was my calculator and she kept count of all the losses of my life and would remind me--Everyday.

The Catcher In The Rye

This incredible quote from , ''The Catcher In The Rye'' was me with Anie. I felt like I was the guardian for all--except no one ever stood at the edge of the cliff to keep me from going over. Head first and I was gone.      ''  I'm standing on the edge of this crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff--I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day.  I'd just be the catcher in the rye.''

Hiding the Bread

I could pull a piece of fat free cheese off of a slice of bread and hide the bread so easily and quickly it was like magic. My Aunt would never find the bread and it gave me an odd peace and sense of power. For every thing that life took from me it could not take my power to make myself skinny.Life was like MuHammed Ali holding me down to the Mat but with my free hand I could hide the bread.

The Magic Number

I was at 110 and I thought when I get to 100 then I got to 100 and I thought 90 would be it then 88, 82, 80. I was at 78 still searching for the number that would give me peace. The magic number.

No Net

Anie is a world without safety nets. Always walking the wire while staring at the abyss below.All of you who fall from one safety net only to be caught by another could learn a cold, hard lesson from those of us who have fallen head first into Hell.

Why

Did I stop because I finally got scared--or did I stop because I finally could not physically go on? Because I could not physically go on. Nothing scared me--it tormented me but not enough to make me stop. My body made me stop. All of us who have this disease or have had it know that many times when you reach the point of not being able to go on physically it is too late. Yesterday someone told me that her 27 year old niece had died from liver failure due to Anorexia. I reached that point but I did not die. I do not know why. It is a razor's edge.

E-A-T

EAT. That word was a never ending threat.  Like that phone call that comes in the night--it was bad. That word--E-A-T meant:   Everything Always Terminates.

What Would You Say?

If you could sum up what Anorexia is really about in one sentence--what would you say... Tell me. Here's what I would say:  For me Anie was always about loss--loss of control, loss of everything that I couldn't stop.

Empty

Me, Linc dog and empty chair. The ironic symbol of my life--EMPTY.

Little Trophies

I had these pants that had buttons on the pockets right over the points of my pelvic bone. Those buttons would rub raw spots when my bones were sticking out far enough. Like little trophies. I was worthy for a while .

Lost Inside of Lost

Between Fat and Dead

There is this chilling quote about the Viet Cong that goes during the Vietnam war no matter where the U.S. went,'' the Viet Cong were already there.'' That was Anie. She was always there ahead of me--every thought I had was captured by her. Even if I got a little panicky about my health she would have control of the next thought. ''You can't be worried about your health if it means getting fat!!!'' She would always speak up. I was trapped between fat and dead. I could not out think her.