Monday, February 6, 2012


I weighed three times a day every day. But the 3:30am weigh-in was always the most powerful. It could destroy me with guilt and self-loathing if it was even slightly over the mark. If it was over 78 I would get-off-the-scale-get-back-on over and over until I couldn't stand myself anymore. That meant that I could eat breakfast and nothing else. No piece of fat-free cheese for lunch, no fruit cocktail and bran cereal for dinner. My exercise routine would remain the same-nine miles a day of walking, then running in place, then bike riding -- all that calorie burning exhaustion with only breakfast to keep me going. I would have to suffer through because I had failed. Reinforcing all the voices that told me I was ''a disappointment''-I was even more of a disappointment to myself. But if I weighed in at 78 at 3:30?--that was different. Remember the song, ''I Wanna Take You Higher''? There's a line that goes, ''Boom-Shaka-Laka-Laka!'' If it stayed on 78--I still had the power. I was controlling all I had to control and doing a HELL of a job. Yeah. BOOM-SHAKA-LAKA-LAKA!

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