You Will Never Pierce My Heart Again

Subconsciously, I believe I wanted to just disappear. I never consciously said, " I want to die " but the more weight I lost - the safer it felt. Safe- because the world that had fucked me over so many times was not going to scrape the last bit of control from my hands and make me fat - was not going to reject me by telling me I had no purpose on this earth - because now I had a purpose and that purpose was not to ever be fat- they could not take that away from me and I worked it with a zeal and a determination known only to the kinship. Because, world, when I'm skinny - you can't hurt me ANYMORE. You cannot tell me what a disappointment I am to you - because now I'm calling the shots and you cannot take anymore from me. I will lose more and more until I disappear - and you will never pierce my heart again.