Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Heart of Stone

I think Anorexia ( and I think I went to war long enough with Anie to take the liberty of speaking
 on behalf of Anorexics) is about so many deep, intense feelings of abandonment and loss. Loss to us is like a lifestyle. We are never without it. Not being able to hold back any of the bad even the tide of inevitable things--because we want to hold it back for ourselves and those we love. So we are pulled under to the bottom of the sea. And I have to say that I sometimes wished that I did not love--could feel NOTHING. Because love  meant pain. That song, ''Heart of Stone''. That's what I wanted--to be safe from it all. Because Anie--for me--was always about not being safe from pain. It ALWAYS found me. My coping mechanisms did not exist--only on the scale could I find the power. And honestly--I did survive the physical torture of this disease but the emotional torture is much deeper, complicated. That pain doesn't leave--it just has to be endured. Some days I simply cannot endure it. It has seared me to the bone. All of the death and indifference and hurt.  I wish that my heart was a heart of stone.

No comments:

Post a Comment