The Solid Gold Approval

My Aunt Elizabeth was a fabulous math teacher. She loved Trigonometry, Algebra Two, the infiniteness of numbers and controlling me. Now, don't get me wrong-her powerful personality saved my childhood. She gave me a cocoon of material security--she made me feel safe. When I was five I told my mother that I could no longer live with her , instructed her to call Aunt E. while I put all of my toys in the front yard and waited for her to come and get me. She literally SAVED my life from erratic circumstances--so I guess one life saving is enough. Oh, I loved her SO MUCH--I worshipped her--one word from her could bless me or doom me. But my Anorexia could not be tamed by her and what she couldn't tame she ignored. Leaving my bone doctor's clinic one day we were walking to the car ( she drove because I was too weak to) I finally said, ''WELL--don't you want to know what he said?!!'' She replied, ''Well, what did he say?'' In a bored, flat tone that only confirmed what Anie had always told me, ''You think you're worthy of care--get out.'' I longed for her Golden approval which was given to everyone except the one who was  holding her hand the day she died--me. I begged her to try to live --asked the doctors to try to take a kidney from me--asked her to promise me that she would fight to stay alive ---she frowned. Now I wonder who will hold my hand when I'm dying, ask me to stay, tell me they love me all that shit. All that shit that Anorexia is made up of-those intricate, complex, delicate emotional bonds--like so many spider webs. So I suppose I will have to hold my own hand while dying and over in the corner Anie will be giving me that sly smile--cause she was the one who never left me. And I will just say, ''I'm outta here , you lousy bastards-and I'm fucking glad of it--and ya know what--you don't get my approval.''