The strange, sad Peace. That's what I had as an Anorexic. I had a peace that I was controlling my weight well enough that I wasn't fat--that made me feel that I was also controlling my world--so that whatever was taken from me, whatever was not given to me --I still had my 78 pounds--and they were NOT going up. Anie gave me a tiny little arrogance--I could look at other people and say, ''You're fat--I'm not. You could never do what i do to stay this small. I have surpassed you in control.'' Yet -even at my strongest moment with Anie--I always felt a wistful sadness following me around. Everywhere I walked (I did so much walking) that sadness was always behind me. Anie would tell me, ''Sadness is part of this whole deal--I can give you control of your body but the sadness comes with it.'' It was like being on a planet far, far away from everyone else. Like looking through a window and watching the world ---a world that I had never been or could ever be--part of. I hated myself for wishing to be part of that world--I hated myself for wanting acceptance. I had Anie and she accepted me. So Anie was very tolerant of these longings I had. She would say, ''Now, you just go walk another 9 miles--those feelings will pass.'' And they would for a while. I was too exhausted to think about them. I was here with my strange, sad little peace--I would wrap my arms around myself, count my calories and that was my whole world.
Than sadness is part of the anorexia I think. This is one thing why we have become ill. That sadness was what made us blind so much that we couldn't see the world only our tiny little calorie-counter, exercising and self-loathing world.
ReplyDeleteSo true--so sad over loss that we cannot stop--self-loathing because we cannot stop it.
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